I Love You, I Hate You
by Cindre
Summary: 1x2. Sorta. Multiple POV's. Psycho!Heero, Overcaring!Duo.. and Trowa's POV is in there too. Hehe. I don't really want to summarize this much or it might be ruined. Heero's basically um...really dangerous, but Duo doesn't see this until it's too late..


Title: I Love You, I Hate You  
Written: 22 October 2004  
Rating: PG-15 (Suggestive themes, nothing too explicit)  
Pairing: 1x2  
Words: 3,283  
Warnings: 3 POVs, Somewhat NC, Violence, Angst, Death.  
Disclaimer: Oh if I should be so lucky. P I dun own 'em.  
Summary: Psycho!Heero, Overcaring!Duo.. I don't really want to summarize this much or it might be ruined. Heero's basically um...really dangerous, but Duo doesn't see this until it's almost too late.

I knew you were cold and uncaring. I never knew you were this bad.

"Get away from me."

Yesterday you passionately claimed me. Last night we spent all night repeating the process. And today. Today you turn me away. Today I am your enemy.

"I don't understand."

"I told you to get away from me. I don't want to be seen with you."

How could you let me bear my soul to you? How can you be soulless? I don't believe that for a second. It's there somewhere. I am determined to find it.

"I'll see you tonight."

"..."

-----------------------

The last leaves of autumn fell as I sat and watched you stare at them. I could always find you here. No matter how lost inside you get you would always return to this place. Your calm. Your peace. Away from war and away from me.

You've known I was watching you since your first footstep fell onto the asphalt at the beginning of the trail. You choose to ignore me because I hurt you. You choose to ignore me because you love me.

You don't understand how amusing I think it is. I wonder how far you're going to let me take this game. I wonder how long it will take you to realize I hate you. I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I want to hurt you over and over again. I want to kill you.

That is why this is so perfect. You won't let yourself see. Truth in itself is a lie to you. Why are you so stupid? So blind? I will make you see again.

"Come here."

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"You wanted to see me?"

As you walk toward me I look into your eyes. Caring. Kindness. You're so pathetic.

I stand and place my hand on your waist, untucking your shirt and sliding it underneath, feeling your bare skin warm against mine. The dips and ridges are noted as I move it to your back and pull you toward me, pressing my body against yours as I claim your mouth in a kiss.

You are startled and confused but you respond, and after the kiss is over you just look at me. You should know by now I don't provide explanations. You either do as I want, or I'm not interested. Or that is how it seems, isn't it? But the fact is I am interested. I want to keep you interested. I want to build you up and beat you down again. I want to be your pain. I want to feel it.

"Let's go get some pizza."

"I thought you didn't want to be seen with me."

"I think you misunderstood me."

You pause and tilt your head just slightly, questioning. Will you never learn? I hook my arm around your waist and drag you with me. The weekend is here. How shall I scar you this time?

-----------------------

Things like that are pretty hard to misunderstand. Something is definitely wrong with you.

You laugh at every one of my stupid jokes. You say I'm so cute as you look at me adoringly. You have eating contests with me and say you have so much fun.

Then you lead me back to my place. You toss me on the bed after you hastily undress me, and nothing is kind or caring anymore.

_Stop, that hurts... Please, stop..._

I am too scared to speak. You finish, and then you leave. I slowly get up to take a shower.

You're so damn confusing. I love you, can't you see that? Why are you such a bastard sometimes? Why are you so perfect the rest of the time? Why do you hurt me? Why do you heal me?

I pound my fists against the wall of the shower as I let the hot water course over my body, washing my tension away. I'm bleeding a little but barely enough to speak of. I don't know what to think now.

Your smell is all over my sheets as I lie down to go to bed. I love your smell. I could suffocate in it. It lulls me to sleep.

0247. I pick up the phone.

"Ngh... Hello?"

"Hi sweetheart."

What the hell? Am I dreaming? Maybe I am.

"What is it? Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I...have to see you. Can you come over?"

I can never turn you down. That doesn't mean that I'm not annoyed with you.

"Yes, I'll be there. I need to get dressed though."

"Alright, the door will be open. You can just come in."

"Okay. Bye."

-----------------------

I hang up the phone.

Tonight was only a minor part in my massive play. What will you say when you get here?

I know you're going to disobey me, and I pay close attention to the way you knock on my door. Timid, unsure. You are so easy to read. You're like an open book, waiting to be set aflame.

"Come in."

You open the door as I sit down on the couch. You come and sit by me, taking your jacket off and laying it on my table.

I look at you and you look away. Good. You are confused and hurt. Let me make it all better.

"I needed to apologize. I...I don't know what is wrong with me. I couldn't stand to be around you after that."

I move closer to you, watching you shift uneasily as I reach for your hand and interlace your fingers with my own.

"Do you understand...?"

"I..."

You falter. I squeeze your hand in an attempt to reassure you and you look at me with tear-filled eyes. I smile. And just as I hope, it is misinterpreted and you hug me. I hold you while you cry, stroking the back of your head. I cradle you and whisper into your ear.

"How about we try it again?"

I grin and kiss your neck, pushing you back on the couch.

Slower, gently, passionately. I hold your hand and you trust me again.

-----------------------

It was the best I've ever felt. You stay with me, you fall asleep across me, holding my hand. I wake up to you touching my face, tilting my chin up for a kiss. How can I possibly not forgive you? You are sincere. You do love me. You allow me to hug you and hold you in the early morning light.

When the surreal glow fades you invite me to take a shower with you and we enjoy a morning out eating stacks of pancakes together. We part at lunchtime, and you give me a quick kiss goodbye.

I decide to go to the park, where I can collect my clashing thoughts.

Last night you were both terrible and wonderful. I don't know which one to go on. But you were so sincere. You were so uncaring. You were salvation. You destroyed me.

This is my first relationship. I don't know what is normal and what not. Could you be taking advantage of me? I want to believe in you. I want to believe you feel. I want to believe that you love me.

The bench calls my name. I lay on it and stare up at the slowly falling leaves, splashes of orange and red brilliant against the cloudless sky. I reach up and grab one before it falls on me. Slowly tracing the patterns of its edges, I ask it if it can answer my questions.

I am going to have to have a little more to go on. It has been two months. Until yesterday you had never hurt me. But you hurt me twice. Twice in one day.

I turn the leaf over and over in my hand, finally deciding to go home. There was nothing I could piece together yet.

-----------------------

I didn't see you at all yesterday. I find you where you usually are in the mornings, the center bench in the courtyard surrounded by your friends. When you see me you rush over and hug me, and I hug you back giving you a quick kiss. I am always careful around your friends. I must not make any of them suspicious, for I know not what they are capable of.

You lead me over to them by my hand. I keep thinking about how gullible you are, letting them tell you what a cute couple we make. One of your friends in particular I am not fond of. They give me looks like they can see into my soul, and it makes me very angry.

I opt not to let you stay around them too long. Their pointless chatter is making me uneasy.

"Come on, I want to show you something."

I lead you to the locker room and close the door behind us. As I turn around you meet me with your stupid clueless grin.

"There's not much in here that I haven't seen before. What is this really about?"

"I needed to talk to you about your friends."

"What about them?"

"I don't want you to see them anymore."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I don't like the looks they give you. It makes me feel like I'm not even there."

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about, they're my friends."

"Do what you want, but don't expect me to be around you when you're with them."

"You're acting like a little kid, give me a break."

With that, I back you up against the lockers slowly. I watch your eyes flicker with excitement and I grin. I know you better than you know.

"You're the one who's about to get a spanking."

I kiss you quickly and forcefully, causing you to moan. I run my hands down your chest as I kiss your neck, and you press back against me to encourage me. I stop when I have reached the hollow of your throat, and licked you there. Your whining as I leave the locker room amuses me, and I grin as I walk to class.

-----------------------

I pass you as I walk down the hallway. You're grinning to yourself, and unaware of me. Why am I so suspicious of you? Are the feelings I see in you hoaxes? I am most afraid that they are not.

If I am right, I must watch closely. The things I care about are too few in my life. And this just happens to be one of the things that I would die for. Go on. Fuck with that.

I mentally dare you to act on the feelings I see. My anger boils inside of me, but I am so good at hiding it that no one can tell. I am always partially hidden by this mask of indifference. You may be the first one to see true emotion from me. But be aware that emotion is not always good.

I will be watching you.

-----------------------

Three weeks have passed since you told me to avoid my friends. I can tell they are getting suspicious when I ditch them when you come around - one of them in particular. I feel like they know that you told me to stay away from them. I wonder what I would do if they asked me directly.

I see you gathering your things at your locker and I wander over and greet you. You smile at me in return and walk me to the pizza shop where I had recently been employed.

You have been less and less affectionate as of late. You come to see me maybe once or twice a week. A quick kiss is all I get from you as you leave me to my job. It isn't like you. I wonder what is going on.

Walking home I think about the things you used to say to me. It feels like our relationship has grown stagnant, but it is way too early for that. There is still so much I don't know about you. I thought you trusted me enough to let me know your secrets. Apparently some secrets are too secret even for me.

"Hey."

You catch me at the door of my house. How long have you been sitting on my steps?

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Come inside."

I set my things down on the table and you look at me with that heated gaze.

"What is this about?"

"Your friends are following me around. I don't know why, but it's pretty annoying."

"They are? I had no idea..."

"I want you to see what the hell is the matter with them."

"I'll ask them about it."

"Tell me what they say."

Are you curious? My friends would never do anything to hurt this relationship. They know how I feel about you. They know that I love you with all my heart.

"I know they wouldn't do anything to hurt us."

"I know they don't like me, too. So much for trying to hide it from me, right? I've heard them talk about me."

"Do you... spy on us?!"

You narrow your eyes at me and all the sudden I'm afraid. You get within an inch of me and lower your tone, your voice frighteningly steady.

"Take care of it. I won't ask you again."

You leave and I can breathe again. You have never threatened me. Should I be afraid? It doesn't matter. My heart is pounding.

-----------------------

You call me at around 8 tonight, and your voice sounds shaky and shallow.

"What's the matter? What happened, are you okay?"

"I'm..I-I'm fine.."

"Why do you sound like that? Something is wrong."

"I just wanted to ask you..something."

"What?"

"Have you been following... h-have you..."

Your voice stalls as you swallow, and you do not speak again. I don't intend to answer you. All I know is I'm staying with you. I no longer trust anything in your relationship. You can't stay there alone. I won't let you be afraid of something you love.

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

-----------------------

I wait for a few minutes. I want to give you time to think. I look at my watch. It's close to eight. An hour should be enough time to think about what I've said. I get up from the park bench and make my way to your house.

I knock on the door and you hesitantly answer, peeking out as if you are afraid of me. Good. You should be afraid.

I put my hand on the door and push a little and you give way. You idiot. You should've known better. Blinded by love, you pathetic fool.

I grab you around the waist and kiss you softly. You like it slow and gentle. Another reason we're so wrong for each other. And another reason I hate you. I hate you for clutching at my shirt helplessly as I push you backwards to your bed. I hate you for crying while I whisper lies to you.

"I'm so sorry... I was wrong."

You look at me and touch my face. I kiss you again and whisper to you.

"I want to try something new...do you trust me?"

"...yes..."

I hate you for trusting me. I hate you for being so gullible.

A few quick preparations and we're naked.

"Shh...trust me."

I reassure you as I slowly wrap the phone cord around your neck tight, but not too tight. You have to be able to breathe...for a while.

I move on top of you and slowly begin.

-----------------------

It feels extremely good. Better than anything we've ever done before. Ten times better. I've never felt anything like this in my life. I feel like you're dropping me over the edge during every single second. My vision is blurred, but I don't care. I trust you. I love you. I gasp, barely getting any oxygen.

_Just a few more minutes, please..._

I look at you, you're smiling at me. You lean down and kiss my forehead.

_A few more seconds...please, a few more..._

We climax together and I cannot move. My vision fades in and out and suddenly everything goes black.

The door is slightly opened. I push it open and make my way inside quietly. I find my way to your bedroom. What I see terrifies me.

In an instant you turn your gun from him to me and I have mine on you. We are less than two feet apart. I have to save him quickly. There is no time.

In one fluid movement I am on the floor and my gun is out of reach. Your foot is on my neck, pressing against it. You are pointing your own gun at my forehead. I grab your ankle and pull as I forcefully ram my elbow into your knee. There is a sickening snap as I break your leg.

You curse me as you fall and I pry the gun from your hand. I quickly move to retrieve my own but you've set the break and are on me again as soon as I turn around. You hit me square in the jaw and it feels like my neck is going to break and my jawbone is shattered. But I hook my forearm under your chin and pin you up against the wall, placing one gun barrel on your temple.

You growl at me. I lower my gun and shoot your shoulder, then your feet. I toss you into the other room and close and lock the door quickly.

-----------------------

"Damn it!"

I raise myself up on one elbow, slipping in the puddles of blood as I stand. I slowly walk to the door and ram myself against it. I feel it give way slightly. Not enough time.

I kick the door handle off, wincing as pain shoots through my foot and up my leg. Pushing the door open I see that you are awake again, a beautiful purple mark surrounding your neck where the cord used to be. You are still weak and pale. Do you know who I am?

I freeze as I feel cold steel on my temple once again. I regret letting you live now. What will you do?

"Go ahead and kill me."

"You hate Duo. Everyone was comfortably blind, but I saw it from the beginning. You were cruel and evil to him and he would keep coming back to you."

I briefly wondered why you had not informed me that Trowa was coming. Not that it matters now that he's here. If he were not a pilot I could have easily killed him. But he is. He is a pilot. And now there is nothing I can do.

I only regret hesitating to pull that trigger. I was thinking about letting you just slowly suffocate. Damn it. I should have pulled the trigger.

"You hate him because he was everything that you wish you could be. You hate him because no matter how you hurt him he would come back. You hate him...because he loves you."

I realize that these things are true. The only way to end the suffering I felt each day I was with you would be to end you. Or is that much too selfish?

What happens next does not matter. It only matters that I failed. I am not the perfect soldier. I hesitated...because I see. I hesitated because...I love you, too.

-----------------------

I didn't care if he felt remorse. He is too dangerous. I will keep you safe. Keep you safe...because I love you.

As I slowly pulled the trigger, Duo whispered his name.

"Heero..."


End file.
